Should You Commit to A relationship? Ask These Questions First.
Deborah contacted me and asked a question i get often: can I commit to a relationship with the guy I’ve been dating?
She and John have already been dating for 4 months and she was wondering if there were specific questions she should ask before she commits. These people were falling in love and had started talking about moving in together.
They both had been through ugly divorces and she was determined to get it right this time, but she wasn’t exactly sure how.
Step 6 of my 6-Step Find Hope Then Find Him System is called: Should I Stay or can i Go?, which is really at the heart of Deborah’s request.
He may be described as a great date, but there is a lot to start thinking about when deciding if he’s a potential great mate.
Instead of approaching this emotionally or with your intuition, this is the time to balance your head with your heart.
And so I called my colleague and dear friend, Tina Tessina, to ask her to weigh in on this. Here she shares powerful insight into how a grownup woman can assess if her man is commitment worthy.
Tina is a longtime friend of Date Like a Grownup. She has contributed to my webcast Grownup Girls’ Night out and was previously a guest writer, giving guidance on just how to cope with criticism in a healthy way.
Tina is a strong-ass expert. She actually is a PhD, LMFT, psychotherapist and author of many, many books including her latest: Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding enjoy Today
Read on to get Tina’s advice in what you have to know before you commit to a relationship.
(that is part two of my interview series with experts (part one is here.):
Q: What are the top two things you want women over 40 to know about finding love today?
Women over 40 should be aware of it’s not too late, and they deserve to be loved. The ‘get life method of finding love is fun, easy, also it works.
Q: I just love that there is a listing of intimacy do’s and don’ts. What exactly is your top DO and your top DON’T for women over 40 and why?
DO learn that you are loveable and you deserve to enjoy intimacy and sex.
When you have a painful history, do the work to get it resolved so you can be open to a good man.
DON’T assume that what you want just isn’t OK. Be prepared to ask for it. He’ll love that you want whatever it is.
Q: In your book, there is a listing of questions you need to ask before committing to a relationship. Is it possible to share a few of those questions and why they’re important?
Here are five important questions to both ask and answer:
1. What exactly is your definition of commitment?
Whether you know it or not, you and your partner will define your relationship. If you don’t know what your relationship means to both the of you, you risk repeating past mistakes, getting stuck in uncomfortable roles, or fighting in what a healthy relationship is.
Talk about what you imply by words such as for example relationship, commitment, love, and faithfulness. You’re going to be amazed by what you learn.
2. Have you discussed finances? Next to sex, money is the biggest generator of problems, arguments, and resentment in long-term relationships. Couples tend to assume that money should really be pooled, but it usually isn’t so easy.
A disparity in income can mean struggling about which pays for what, or whose income determines your life style. Different financial habits (one likes to save yourself, the other spends more, or doesn’t keep track) can become a source of argument.
For many couples, separating your cash makes things run smoother; you don’t wind up struggling for control. You can split expenses evenly, or work out a percentage share should your incomes are very different.
3. What about household responsibilities? If you’re not yet living together, take a tour of each other’s homes. Drastically different decorating styles, neatness, and organization levels can become resources of argument, and so can housekeeping and chores.
When you have different tastes, it may require a lot of creativity and negotiation to decorate a joint home in a way that makes both of you comfortable.
Additionally, think hard before moving into your partner’s established home.
You may have trouble feeling as if you ‘belong in a home that was previously established by your partner unless you participate together in reorganizing and redecorating it.
4. How do you handle anger and other emotions? We all get upset from time to time. If you are usually good at diffusing each other’s anger, and being supportive through times of grief or pain, your emotional bond will deepen as time goes on.
Should your tendency is to react to each other and make the situation more volatile and destructive, you will need to correct that problem before you live together.
5. How do you show love to each other? Sharing what actions and words imply love to you may be surprising. Whether or not it’s a fight, discussing how you give and receive love will boost your relationship.
You will understand what makes each of you feel loved, and how to convey your love effortlessly.
Q: When is the right time to ask these questions and how is it possible to take action without chasing him away?
These particular questions are not for the first few dates. They truly are for couples who’re seriously considering moving in together or getting married, and if you can’t ask him questions without chasing him away, you are not yet ready for this degree of commitment.
To make a committed relationship work, you both need to find out these things about each other. Nonetheless, you don’t have to grill him.
You can ask the questions occasionally, in a relaxed fashion; and gives your thoughts first.
As an example, after seeing a movie with a good or bad relationship in the plot, you can say: ‘Wow, that relationship looked really scary (or really great.) I think I’d like the kind of relationship without as many secrets as they had (or with the form of devotion they had.) What you think?
These kinds of questions are easier to talk about when you’re sharing information regarding your friends and families, too. ‘I had an aunt and uncle which fought all the time about money. I hope I can possess a relationship where we can talk about money as partners. How do you feel about it?
If he stonewalls you, and won’t talk about it, that’s a red flag for the relationship. But, although he may not answer immediately, you will probably find that he thinks about it and comes back later along with his thoughts.
There’s no getting around it. a relationship won’t succeed if you can’t talk about the tough issues together.
If you keep that in mind, and keep carefully the conversation open, and pay attention to what he says and believes, you will learn just how to talk with each other as partners, before committing to a relationship.
The Kavanaugh hearings are freaking painful. Individually, I’ve tried to go on some form of news blackout but it’s unavoidable. It’s everywhere in the news. (Real and fake news *choke*.) many people are talking about it. A lot, including me, are crying about it.
It’s man vs. woman; conservative vs. progressive; Fox vs. MSNBC; victim vs. accuser; pro-choice vs. anti-choice (they are not pro-life!); and, it seems, America vs. the rest of the world.
I admit that I have plainly chosen ‘sides on most of these…but that’s not what I’m here to talk to you about today.
I would like to help you answer the question: can I talk about the confirmation of Brett Kavanaugh on a date? How about Trump or #MeToo or…?
You’ve probably gotten advice that says not to talk about religion or politics… especially a first date. Don’t bring up Donald Trump or Brett Kavanaugh or the Clintons. Or which party you hope will get a handle on Congress. Or who you think are the real patriots. Or whether they must be taking a knee. (Hell yes, they should.)
Just keep it light, right?
Are you currently freaking kidding me??
You have opinions, right? You have a few ideas, a vast number of life experience, and things you care about deeply. You consider the future and plan for it.
You have young ones, nieces and nephews, and grandchildren! Their everyday lives will likely to be impacted in extraordinary methods based on the outcome of which lands regarding the supreme court. So will the entire planet.
Should you talk about politics when you’re dating? If you’re a grownup, when you have opinions…hell YES you ought to talk about Kavanaugh and all that other scary shit!
For most of us, our politics reflect our values and core beliefs about human beings plus the planet.
Where we side politically is the expression of exactly how we view our community, our culture, our country, plus the world. It seeps into our practice of religion or our choice to not participate. Our politics, whether active or not, guides us into the part we play in all with this. (Or whether we do at all.)
If you are a woman dating after 40, and if you have any beliefs, I want you to learn a man’s politics. As well as the sooner you know, the better.
Politics brought my husband and me together.
When I was dating I wasn’t looking for a man who would participate in political action as I did. But I had to have a man that respected and appreciated my passions and my choice to actively engage.
So when I was looking for a husband online, here’s what I put front and center in my online profile:
If you are a Rush Limbaugh fan we are not a good match.
Rush fans fled. Men which appreciated that I had perspective (particularly this POV) contacted me. Exactly what I wanted.
My husband and I met via online dating in 2006. He appreciated that I plainly stated my POV and my must-have. Among so many other things that he appreciated, of course. 🙂
On our first date we went through the complete set of ‘dos and don’ts: politics, religion, money…we covered a lot.
Six months later I became a first-time bride at age 47.
That my husband and I share our view of the world and our place in it creates a incredibly strong bond between us. We sometimes cry together at the inequality of our economic and justice systems. We spent 30 days together in Nevada campaigning full time for President Obama. We hold hands as we march for stronger gun control, women’s rights, against wars and intolerance and hate.
As I said, his active participation wasn’t a must-have for me. But I’m so grateful to own my husband share this passion with me. His political beliefs and his willingness to act to them tell me which he is, at his very core.
And knowing this from the beginning helped me quickly see how much I admired and enjoyed him.
Maybe you’re ambivalent about politics. That’s cool.
Okay, so that you’re not as involved in our political system as us. Got it. But it’s no different than what I’m describing with my husband: the decision you make not to actively participate directly reflects your values.
Not convinced about why you ought to talk about controversial topics like Kavanagh regarding the first date? Here are my 5 reasons why you ought to:
1. You ought to bring up Kavanaugh because grownups speak about things that matter.
The point of talking about topics like politics, money, or religion on a date is not to change a person’s mind! That’s a important part of this discussion.
It really is to understand how he thinks and feels. How he sees the world and his destination with it. What he cares about and what he considers secondary or completely unimportant in his life.
Talking about things like Kavanagh on a date can cause conversation about upbringing, meaningful life events, aspirations, and hopes for your future. All stuff you wish to know about each other!
If you ‘re looking for a man to share the rest of your life and you have one chance to get a good signal of whether there was any potential to be compatible, I don’t want you to waste that one chance. (That’s just what first dates are.)
You’re going to learn a hellova lot more talking about Donald Trump, #MeToo, or Brett Kavanaugh than listing the final three places you went on vacation. instanthookups uk Just sayin’.
2. NOT talking about Kavanaugh right now would be weirder than talking about it.
It really is everywhere. It’s the elephant into the room and isn’t likely to disappear completely, even after the decision was made.
Again, you’re not trying to change anyone’s mind. The purpose of dating is discovery. Learn what you can about each other. Dig in a little. Give your date to be able to express and explain. You also take that chance. That’s the method that you date such as a grownup.
3. You will get a good sense of his values.
You wish to know what he thinks about women who come forward about sexual assault; whether he tends to believe them or not and how he sees justice taking place.
You wish to know if he thinks drinking to excess and getting belligerent with women are just ‘boys being boys. You wish to know where he stands on usage of abortion, presidential power, and a judges responsibility to render just and fair decisions.
Does he think it’s OK for a supreme court nominee to lie to Congress plus the FBI just so he agrees with your politics or values? Does it matter? Does he care? Does he know what’s happening and think it’s worthwhile to be informed? Tells you a lot.
4. If he moves quickly to argument, refuses to share his POV, or doesn’t try to find common ground – do you really want another date with him?
When you talk about Kavanaugh on a date, you will observe if the man even wants or tries to understand your perspective as being a woman. You’ll see if he thinks violence against women — irrespective of who he believes — is an important issue in our times. If he off-handedly dismisses Dr. Ford’s testimony or takes her claims seriously.
Forget just learning about his politics, if you are interested in being with a person who likes to learn and grow, how he approaches the discussion is telling.
5. If he doesn’t support Kavanaugh, you could instantly have anything in common!
You can bond over your mutual distaste, distrust, and dislike for this supreme court nominee. It is possible to bond over your outrage.
More importantly, focus on the positive. Bond over the fact that you can still find millions and millions of caring, thoughtful, empathetic men and women in the united states plus the world.
Bond over the non-super-rich having a voice, equal opportunity to health care, Supreme Court justices who value individual rights over those of corporations…women’s rights…you know…the good stuff!
So, put it out there and use this topic as an opportunity to understand the person you’re meeting.
Just how do start this conversation? Easy.
Briefly share life experience or event that expresses your views. Tell him the method that you personally feel about what’s happening right now. Tell him any actions you’ve taken or the method that you would encourage your congress person to vote. Take action directly, quietly, and in the most basic terms. No lectures, histrionics, or judgment.
Then give him to be able to process what you shared. That’s it. Avoid being afraid that he’ll disagree. That’s perfectly. You’ll learn anything important about each other. You can both be glad you’ve done that, regardless of whether you’ve seen some compatibility truth be told there. That’s what dating is all about!
What’s not fine is getting towards the third date and finding out that you are completely incompatible in the way you look at the world and your place in it. Who has that time and energy to waste?
That’s why women should talk about Kavanaugh on a date.