Once more, the Hollywood Foreign Press Corps has forced us into an emergency situation, and so I am announcing the champions associated with 1996 Drive-In Academy Awards one week early. The belated statement this 12 months had been thought to be hampering comfort efforts both in Bosnia while the Golan Heights, as otherwise cooperative parties became grumpy while awaiting term from Grapevine.
Henceforth, without further adieu, our very first category is.
Best Airhead Sex movie Turnaround, a jungle-sex that is erotic about an unemployed actress whom daydreams about consuming hallucinogenic jungle juice with nekkid Indians and achieving crazy sex like they do in paperback novels. She gets her possibility whenever she is chased by masked gunmen towards the Costa Rican valley of this white-faced, sex-crazed, flesh-worshipping, cuckoo-juice-drinking natives.
Most readily useful Director The runners-up are. Kim Henkel, Return of this Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Jack Perez, America’s Deadliest Residence Movie. Fred Olen Ray, Attack associated with 60-Foot Centerfold. Anthony Waller, Mute Witness. Howard Winters, Dead Boyz Cannot Fly. And also the champion is. George Saunders, Intimate Deception and Street Angels.
Best Sci-Fi Flick Cyberstalker: fundamental Instinct fulfills Tron in Newt Gingrich’s worst nightmare, the storyline of the nerdy, geeky cybersurfing femme fatale who really really loves her computer a great deal she’s got sex along with it and becomes half-woman, half-computer, then kills whomever doesn’t always have the appropriate respect for great computer computer computer software.
Most useful Actor The runners-up are. Danny Bonaduce, America’s Deadliest Home movie, once the movie nerd whom falls in deep love with the weapon moll for a cross-country killing spree.
Robert Davi, The Dangerous, as being a motorcycle-riding wolf that is lone talks Japanese and understands the feelings of killer ninjas, and so the police chief brings him away from your your retirement and turns him loose with a few attack tools in a cemetery high in medication goons.
In addition to champion is. George Saunders, Intimate Deception, whilst the haunted musician surrounded by nekkid ladies who can’t understand just why he gets a great deal intercourse in a single movie; and Street Angels, because the wisecracking cop who makes long speeches in regards to the fighting abilities of seafood.
Most readily useful Actress The runners-up are. Debbie Rochon, Abducted II: The Reunion, given that junk-food-eating redhead whom describes her boyfriend that is old saying, “I like pets. “
Kathy Shower, Married People, solitary Intercourse 2: For Better or more serious, since the ignored spouse packing up all her stuff, placing the children within the section wagon, and having far from the lying no-good scumball she’s hitched to.
In addition to champion is. Steen, Turnaround, because the blonde that is oversexed daydreams about visiting Costa Rica, drinking some weird jungle medications, and having intercourse to a nekkid Indian while he finger-paints all over her body–but settles for hot intercourse with goofball con man Fred Lehne.
Breast Actress The runners-up are. Paula Barbieri, The Dangerous, given that mystical girlfriend whom wears a micromini and high heel pumps for the movie, like the scenes where she is being chased by mobsters with automated tools.
Lissa Boyle, buddy associated with Family, while the hot-to-trot child known at the senior high school as a United Method Agency; and Intimate Deception, whilst the knockout nude model who really loves her work, saying, “we glance at myself as a vital ingredient within the art of creation. “
Theresa Morris, personal classes: Another tale, the hot little celebration woman whom simply keeps dancing away on the roof for the stylish Southern Beach disco, where then she strips and does the Horizontal Hustle in the front of the neon sign.
J.J. North, Attack associated with 60-Foot Centerfold, into the name role, for saying, “Help me personally, i am huge! ” and, “I’m a large girl–i can manage myself. “
As well as the champion is. Patti Davis, Playboy Celebrity Centerfold: Patti Davis, wherein she reveals her weakness for “guys in undershirts and tattered jeans that turn out to be your downfall”–a choice that is somehow associated with her memories of bodysurfing with her dad.
“Water has long been a rather healing thing she says, right before a hunk walks out of the surf and starts kissing every inch of her hula-skirted bod for me.
This is certainly prior to the sci-fi dream where she dresses just like a hooker, dials up the perfect guy as well as the perfect girl on the computer, then waits into a sandwich for them to appear in a cloud of dry ice, tie her to the bed, and basically make her.
Most readily useful Shauna that is femme-Fatale O’Brien Friend regarding the Family, whilst the walking Goodwill box who rings the doorbell 1 day, presents by herself towards the stepmom as a vintage buddy of a pal, and ultimately ends up set up into the visitor household, where she’s got intercourse with everybody in the household.
Most Breasts Playboy Celebrity Centerfold: Patti Davis: 90.
Most readily useful Movie The runners-up are. Attack associated with 60-Foot Centerfold, the epic featuring J.J. North because the ditzy blonde whom takes just a couple of a lot of breast-enhancement medications and ultimately ends up stomping around Malibu such as the Godzilla Illustrated swimsuit problem.
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Return for the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the initial decent sequel towards the drive-in movie that is greatest ever made, about two prom-night partners whom have lost down on the road, in which a creepy redneck called W.E. Roams around in a satanic wrecker, gathering systems and quoting literary works and trapping teen-age girls in gunny sacks.
Therefore the champion is. America’s Deadliest Residence Video, the best movie ever produced in Racine, Wisconsin, featuring Danny Bonaduce as a nerdy spouse deeply in love with their camcorder whom eventually ends up operating through the free sex cam legislation with three convenience-store experts who decide they kinda like having their exploits recorded on tape.
Spinal Tap satisfies Natural Born Killers. Once more, we’d no overlap using the other prizes utilizing the term “Academy” within the name (copyright suit pending).
C. 1996 Joe Bob Briggs (written by NYT features that are special